Capitalism and the rise of Individualism

Isn’t hindsight great? When I look back on my life I can see it full of struggle; to achieve, prove something, get recognition, validation, justification, affirmation. Ever since I was young I was in competition – who’s better, smarter, stronger, taller, faster, more popular. Why did I have such a lack of self-esteem? Why was I not comfortable and happy being who I was?

I took this behaviour all the way through to owning and running a business, on this narrow tunnel of a path that I had to show the world how awesome I was. Successful by all measures of modern society – financially, materially, socially. I recently read the supposition, “Capitalism is Individualism” and I think they’re totally right! I was nurtured as a capitalist, that this is the way of the world and you have to work hard to get somewhere in life. From your own effort you will succeed – it’s all down to you. It seems an increasingly central part of the world these days, enhanced through social media – show how amazing your life is compared to others, the more likes you have obviously means you’re more popular and successful. I’m very guilty of this too, and a product or contributor to it. But it doesn’t really make your life happier does it, and being an individual isn’t really about how great you are at all either.

I had my own business at 25, earning more than I knew what to do with. All my basic survival needs were met, but I wasn’t really happy. I worked long hours, spent my weekends getting drunk so I could distract myself from the real emotional issues I should have been working with. I waxed lyrical about how capitalism is great, it’s a dog eat dog world, how I was striving to secure my future. I thought I was happy; in my mind I was on the elevator to success and happiness. I was trying to complete the game, build an empire so I could stop working, retire early, live off the fruits of my labour. 

But I wasn’t awake, I wasn’t aware of what I was really doing. I was blindly leading myself down a path I subconsciously knew was wrong. I’ve read the books, I’ve seen the films. Money is not the secret to happiness. Material goods aren’t the secret to happiness. Likes and ‘influence’ on social media aren’t the secret to happiness. We’ve all heard it. We all know it. But still we crave it and worship it and chase it.

I finally figured out that money wasn’t the answer I was seeking. So I sold the business, and spent the next 6 years (to the present) in the wilderness, searching for the answer to a question I wasn’t quite sure of. I looked for it through travelling, spending more time outdoors, reading more, listening more. I thought I found the answer – the flow state and began to aggressively chase it.

It gave me wonderful hits of dopamine – but it was only a temporary happiness. I craved it more and more, but it continually only offered fleeting glimpses of the peace and calm that I desired. You see, it’s not the answer either. It’s just another distraction to take you away from the real truth, another obstacle to negotiate and lead you away from the path to real happiness.

The real truth is within us all, we just need to look a bit deeper.

“Everyone you meet always asks if you have a career, are married or own a house, as if life was some kind of grocery list. But no one ever asks if you are happy.” (Heath Ledger)

Sick of being sick

This has pretty much been my life for the past 9 months. Twice a week. Herbs, vitamin supplements, probiotics, restricted diet, no alcohol, and a RIFE machine (a machine that transmits frequencies into my body to kill things). I’m sick of Lyme disease, I’m sick of having it. I’m sick of hearing about people who have just been diagnosed with it and about to enter an unknown world of suffering. I’m sick of reading about people who have been suffering for years with a mis-diagnosis. I’m currently battling off a very snotty, coughy cold. No problem, it’s just a cold right? Except that it’s not, because every bit of energy my body needs to shrug this off is energy my body also requires to fight Lyme too.

It’s partly my own fault (well mostly) – I do too much. My mind still believes I can do things that I used to, that I still have that energy and capability, ever the optimist. So I’ve thrown myself into skydiving – something that brings me joy and let’s me feel free. Things were going good, it was bringing me closer to a lifelong dream, which previously was always a ‘one day’ thing because climbing occupied all my time. Of course, typical me has no concept of moderation. I’ve done over 100 jumps this year already, and broken myself in a new way. It’s a hard situation to accept for me, that I can’t and possibly may never be the same again. That my body simply isn’t as robust as it used to be, and cannot physically maintain strength and recovery as before. My limits have changed, so instead I need to build in a large margin of safety, which I still don’t know how to gauge.

In evolutionary terms, I should be dead. I would not have survived on my own without acupuncture, I would be lying next to the Dodo. It’s thanks (or not) to medical advances and humans triumphing(?) over evolution that we can live for so much longer these days. We refuse to succumb to the path laid down by disease, and so millions of pounds from charity marathons, bake sales, car washes, tandem skydives etc goes to Big Pharma to find ways to cheat Darwin. But is that really the answer?

I believe that we as a species are regressing. Without evolution separating out the bad genes, along with the ingrained societal belief that we are too clever and powerful, we’re creating many new problems for ourselves. An example is from Chinese medical practice and theory, where it is believed that food has certain hot/cold properties which maintain balance in your body. This valuable information has been passed down through generations over thousands of years but is now being lost, dropped in favour of, “I’ll eat whatever I want to because I can” and, “drugs will fix me, and quick!” We choose what we eat, and food is made now simply according to taste and what people crave, even if it’s bad for you and will cause you problems. Most of us know that eating a spicy curry will probably give us a bad stomach the next day, but have you ever noticed that eating a lot of fried food gives you a sore throat too?

Trying to live with this disease, and deal and manage all the complications that come with it has brought me greater awareness of what I put in my body, and how my body reacts to it. I’m more in tune with what my body is trying to tell me, such as good and bad pain. I’m aware of situations that I want to take myself out of, but currently the mountains is not somewhere I can retreat to, to find my peace and solitude, but it’s coming…I’ll be there soon, inshallah.

“Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.” (Buddha)

Update on vanlife and Lyme disease

The point at which things started going really wrong, April 2017

It’s coming up to a year now from when I first started suffering, and I’ve been having acupuncture fairly regularly now for the past 6 months, so I thought I’d write an update.

Most people when they see me ask me how I am, and I sense that it’s not the typical casual greeting. So I answer them honestly without trying to be on too much of a downer. I’m about 80% better – my shoulders and collarbone are still ‘crunchy’ when I move them around, my neck still feels a little stiff at times, I still have sciatica down my right leg, and I’ve still got a fair bit of joint pain/discomfort in my left foot – heel and little toe. I’m a world away from the state I was last year, where I was afraid to leave the house in case something happened, I couldn’t walk even a couple of steps without pain, constant sleepless nights and having to lift my head and provide support to my neck to get myself up out of bed every day! And that’s just the physical stuff, mentally I’m a different person! I have regained mental clarity – I can think straight, I don’t forget words I want to use, I feel positive and confident I can get over this and I’ve even got (very) vague plans for the future!

Going through all this has cemented how precious good health is and how wonderful it is to be alive. It has created focus in my mind that I want to live as true to myself as possible, and those that have negative and nonconstructive feelings and attitudes towards my goals and the way I choose to live and what I value are unnecessary drags on my life. Sure, some might be trying to think of what’s best for me or provide some balance of sensibility to my life but often I think it’s a projection of their own insecurities. Life is to be lived! But also there is not only one truth – you just have to do what you love, FOR YOURSELF. Forget trying to conform to what people expect of you, forget trying to show off to strangers, forget trying to live someone else’s dream. It is your life and you’re the only one who can decide what is right for you.

In terms of vanlife I’ve upgraded to a Hymer, so really it should now be #motorhomelife! I decided that to live in, especially in the UK and when I’m working, that living space is important to me. I want good living space, a proper bed, proper cooking facilities, and a bathroom. I’d always wanted to build my own van, have it exactly how I want it, but that wasn’t happening in my physical state so I looked at this one and it fit the bill. I’m actually so glad I bought this, it’s introduced me to a brilliant community (Classic Hymers on facebook) and I’m now living in something that just works (most of the time!).

It’s pretty cold here now, so I turn the heating on. Simples. I’m making good use of my pressure cooker, which I love as it locks in the nutrients from the food, and I’ve got virtually everything in here, including my skis! It’s left hand drive as well, which I don’t really find to be much of a problem, and it’s a good reminder that I can’t wait to get back out to mainland Europe and do some trips and just LIVE!

It’s easy to fall back into old habits, especially when you have a lot of time on your hands to think. I think a lot about why I sold my business and the direction I wanted to take my life in instead. I had an opportunity present itself to get back into business, and I considered it as maybe it would be a good distraction and even possibly fund the rest of my life. But that is not what I want. I don’t want to be old and retired before I see the world, I don’t want to be burnt out and too tired to explore. I don’t want to wait any longer to grow and nuture my relationship with nature. It’s crazy that it takes such catastrophic events for us to sit back, re-evaluate and understand what is really important to us, but maybe it has to be this way otherwise we’ll never truly appreciate the gift of life.

The main thing that I’ve realised going from a very dark place to living in a van again is how much I need FREEDOM. Freedom to eat what I need to, when I need to. Freedom to move where the universe guides me. Freedom to go for a walk and get some fresh, mountain air. Freedom to see amazing views for myself and exert myself physically, rather than to see everyone else living and becoming resentful for not being able to do the same. Maybe I should have made peace with that and accepted my situation and just lived in the present, but I couldn’t. All the things that I hold so dear to me now (and took for granted) are what now defines me; they’re the things that make me feel alive and happy and I’m not ready to let that stuff go!

Me on top of Napes Needle, Great Gable (Jan 2018)

As Rachel Platten said, “This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song. My power’s turned on! Starting right now I’ll be strong, I’ll play my fight song. And I don’t really care If nobody else believes Cause I’ve still got A lot of fight left in me!”

“May the candle that burns you deliver your light.”

Patience and gratitude

Some people say that disease is the greatest teacher of all. I’m not sure about that, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Karma, cosmic vibrations, bachi, yin/yang fate, destiny…these all mean the same across many different cultures.

2017 was a bad year for me, I had so many plans and ideas that I was ready to finally go for and not be afraid to do – to truly travel and live in my van, while keeping things simple and exploring what life can be with less. I’d planned to work a few months to save up some money then just go – one way ferry to Europe and see what happened.

Lyme disease changed that plan, it wasn’t meant to be for me in 2017. Instead I learned much more about myself in ways that I hadn’t planned for; how dark could my mind become, how positive could I stay in the face of potentially losing the life I’d dreamed of. I thought I had a healthy diet – lots of fresh vegetables, fish and occasionally some treats – but I gradually realised a deeper understanding of food, like that fresh veg isn’t just fresh veg – not if the soil it’s been grown with is depleted of nutrients. I learnt about the Chinese view of hot and cold food, of Chinese medicine and the principles underlying the theory. I learnt how I deal with extreme frustration, how emotionally immature I really am, the basics of meditation. I realised how much being outdoors and close to nature really meant to me, and how I dream about it when I can’t access it. I learned how much I used to take physical health for granted, simple functions such as walking free…how I longed to be able to just go for a run.

2017 created a lot of empathy in me, empathy with patients and others who I’d previously marginalised as hypochondriacs, sufferers of their own doing, or simply desperate people who didn’t know any better or couldn’t find or get the help they needed. I’d always been so caught up in my own well-being and personal growth that I didn’t have time for other people’s problems – Lyme disease made me realise that we all have battles, not all are obvious, and we should all be more understanding and caring to others as we don’t know what they’ve been through.

2017 gave me time to continue my kaizen (constant, never-ending improvement of self) in other, less physical, ways. I sought more information and knowledge about this disease, about it’s causes, onset, symptoms, manifestations, and spiritual and emotional connections. It made me reflect on what I really wanted from life, what was important to me and what I wanted to do with the life I have.

This is a very vague post but I just want to say that I’m grateful for all the friends I have who, even though I may hardly see you anymore, still offer me support and friendship through difficult times. I’m grateful for the people I’ve met who have inspired me and provided positive vibes to live life fully no matter what. I’m grateful for whoever gave me this body and to the tick who passed me Lyme disease so that I could grow in ways that I hadn’t been my focus. Life goes on guys, so I’ll just say Namasté to you all 🙂

(In case you don’t know Namasté means – I honour the place in you where the entire Universe resides. I honour the light, love, truth, beauty and peace within you, because it is also within me. In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.)

 

“No matter what, everything is connected, and everything has a purpose, even this seemingly purposeless, torturous disease. There is a meaningful kernel in it that helps me to evolve, perhaps even plays a part in the evolution of the planet as a whole.” (Heiner Fruehauf)

A bloody good day out!

Ned working the roof on Quietus

Well it was a bloody good weekend in fact! I’d had a terrible week at work, and really needed to just leave that all behind and decompress. The weather didn’t want to make it too easy for me, because nothing worth having is easy right!?) and so it began with a lazy start on Saturday with plans to hit Burbage North (my first time there actually) mainly to aim for Long Tall Sally (E1 5b) which is on the Top 50 Eastern Grit ticklist that I’ve been working through. Ned also planted a seed for The Sentinel (E2 5b) and then we’d see what else we fancied. 

The Sentinel

After sending The Sentinel (which I was pretty chuffed about) we were having a late lunch and ready to call it a day when someone was wandering along talking about the arête next to us Now or Never (E1 5b) which he’d solo’d years ago and found it pokey and stiff for HVS (hence the upgrade). Danger? Not much gear? Committing? Sign me up! Anyway all went well and we found out later at the Ape Index Hard Grit Live was that this guy was part of that whole scene! Brilliant!

Which nicely leads onto what a weird, inspirational, funny and very, VERY random night it was at the Picturehouse in Sheffield presented by Niall Grimes. The background to these legendary climbs and a peek into what the world of climbing was like back then was more than enough to send my psyche levels sky high, and so after reaching my customary 2 pint limit to get me wasted (due to my Chinese ancestral heritage and general inability to tolerate alcohol and late nights) we packed ourselves off to la la land in eager anticipation of the good forecast for Sunday (with a divinely almighty,Olympian – no HERCULEAN list of Hard Grit routes to aspire to, though chasing these for mere mortals such as us would surely end in broken legs, concussions even death!?)…

The Archangel

And so, with a late start we rolled into Sunday. A day I’d been dreaming (nightmaring) of for over 15 months. Today was the day for me to return to The Archangel. An E3 5b with no gear for the first 10 metres up the arête, and so effectively a solo. A route that I’d tried once before, and fell off about 6 metres off the deck. This is a climb which has got under my skin, has festered in the deep recesses of my mind and cast doubt on my ability. I’ve questioned myself time and time again whether I wanted to give it another go, is the risk worth it, why does it matter to me so much. But anyway, enough of the back story.  I warmed up on Crescent arête, conditions not feeling brilliant, and also a bit midgey. I then almost managed to psyche myself out while waiting for the cavalry (spotters) to arrive – it’s never good to think too much! So after setting up the pads and Wilson ‘the beast’ anchoring in and therefore taking lead spotting duties to try stop me rolling down the hill (!!) I went for it. I took a couple of nervous falls, one of which I knocked my head on a boulder (injury 1) then casually sent it in decent style I like to think, with maybe a bit (a lot) of shouting to myself to relax! Job done, and I felt I was too for the day, but Ned wasn’t going to allow me to bask in that success and so it was over to Calvary E4 6a to try my first of that grade. 

Suffice to say I didn’t onsight it. Even more so I didn’t reach the crux first go, instead taking a controlled fall that had me skimming the ground (as a result of extending my first piece of gear to reduce rope drag as we only had a single) and whacking my heel on a boulder (injury 2) and scraping my back on the same Boulder on the backswing (injury 3). We gave it a few more goes before retrieving the gear and retreating, still with optimism for the rest of the day. Little did we know…

We plodded all the way over to Stanage High Neb for another one of Ned’s now famous sandbags. This time it was Quietus E2 5c, possibly the hardest E2 around! It starts with easy slab climbing up to a giant roof, thankfully through juggy flakes, and into the crux. As to what to do from then…who knows!? There’s 3 hand jamming cracks and we tried all sorts of combinations repeatedly, all the while tearing our hands to shreds before Ned arrived on scene smug and told us to tape up! Lightbulb!

Time was getting on, and my muscles began to ache and lose power. The jams felt more painful. The sun started setting. People were calling it a day. And still none of us could send it. Wilson felt he had more blood to donate to the route rather than the NHS and so he set off for a few more brutal jam sessions (which probably weren’t so bad for him as he’d done a decent job of taping his hands!). He got close…but couldn’t wrap it up. And so we accepted the reality that we would have to abseil down to retrieve the gear.

Ned opted for alternative beta…no-one else fancied it

But wait, I’ve technically not even sent ONE route today! (I solo’d The Archangel). My poor ego, this will not do, not at all. I need redemption! Conveniently there was a slab right next to us, called Impossible Slab E3 5c/6a, which would get us to the top of the crag to ab off over Quietus and get the gear…why not!? What could possibly go wrong!

Another near ground fall that’s what! The first crux is low down and a balancey step up on a thin side pull. I barn doored and fell, got tangled in the rope and finished half a meter off the ground sideways staring directly at Ned! Who promptly burst into laughter because my face must’ve been one of absolute shock and confusion! I quickly righted myself and pulled back on before fear and doubt set in and prepared myself for the insecure smeary mess. This time I got it, in a very touch and go dynamic foot swap hand slap Johnny Dawes-esque moment of brilliance (or luck). 

So that was that. The end to a very successful day of not being very successful. The result of a lot of Hard Grit psyche. Falling off more stuff than a typical day sport climbing! A lot of laughs, hairy moments, questionable jokes, and top off action considering it’s only April! As Ned put, poetically, …a bloody good day out!

Role models

When I was younger, I didn’t really have many role models. I, like most kids, wanted to be an astronaut, a Kung fu master, someone powerful. We are products of our environments and who we hang around with, and I went to a school with ambitious kids. Kids who listened to rap and wanted money, cars and girls. That was their idea of success and it became mine – I was not an original thinker. I looked up to rich people who drove nice cars and had power – power and control over others. I believed that money talks, money lets you do what you want, money gets girls. Pretty sad really…
I didn’t want to be famous, but I wanted to be respected, to be admired for what I’d achieved. As I grew older I believed that the path to respect was financial success. I don’t think I particularly cared about money in itself that much, but I wanted to win at life and I thought that meant being a fat cat with nice cars and a big house and a business empire. 
I’ve never been poor, never been close to being on the breadline. I moved in circles that were privileged and always had opportunities available to them, whether they acknowledge that or not. I always had opportunities, I always had options. I had a business, and that meant I met other people with businesses, and heard about how others with businesses were doing. I continued to be in awe of those who had collections of cars, with fantastically opulent houses and garages with huge man caves, because that was supposed to be ‘living the dream’ and ‘winning at life’. 
It actually took me breaking down and taking a step back to look at my life’s trajectory to start really thinking for myself before I began to realise that everything was wrong. I was doing it all for the wrong reasons. My role models were wrong. My ideas on success were wrong. My ideas on life were wrong. How did this happen? My life was being turned upside down.
I now look up to successful people who I see as those who understand what makes them happy. They can still be rich people, but they’re more likely ‘normal’ people who have realised that money isn’t the secret to happiness, they just want enough to do get by and the things they love. I look up to people who are following their dreams, who have stepped outside of today’s celebrity-obsessed and media-driven society and are actually consciously aware of the choices they’re making in life to improve their happiness. I look up to those people who are not afraid to try, who confront their fears and step out of their comfort zone in the search for their idea of success and happiness. That is the truth, that is what matters. 

I meet a lot of these people on my travels, and I am constantly inspired and driven and challenged to strive for my own truth, my own success, my own happiness. I haven’t got all the answers, but I think I’m heading in the right direction 🙂

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” (Isaac Newton)

I’m not destitute/confused/a tramp/a hippy

Well maybe a little on the last one! But the point is that I choose to live the way I do, I could live in my own house, take a regular 9-5, 40 hour a week job (working for The Man), and get drunk every Friday and Saturday night or go to fancy £20 a pop burger joints and trendy restaurants to have an amazing, life-changing experience via my taste buds. But I don’t. I’ve actively made that decision, as I’ve tried that life, and it didn’t make me happy. I felt stuck, and trapped. I saw what the long-term goal was – to get rich, retire early and live happily ever after from one P&O cruise to the next, along with a new BMW every 2 years – but it wasn’t really what excited me. Those things didn’t infiltrate my subconscious, they weren’t the first place my mind drifted to when I day-dreamed.

I thought I had the perfect life – nice apartment in the city centre, nice cars, my own business, and lots of money…but in reality I was tied to my job and the responsibility that comes with it while also maintaining everything else that was in my life. I couldn’t really travel, or even explore that much. More often that not I spent evenings struggling for motivation in the gym, or sat in front of the tv having a drink ‘just like they do in the tv shows’. I was trying to be what society defines as normal. But my heart didn’t want that. The universe guided me elsewhere…and into a camper van.

Fast forward to now, and I’m not currently in the van (because the engine gave up the ghost as 373,000 miles (ish) in Italy last year but staying with a friend in the city of Bristol while working most days to earn the money I need to pay for stuff. So am I back to where I started? I’m not sure…let’s see.

So at the start of this year I spent 3.5 months in Nepal (which was great and you can read about it in other entries) then I came back home, chilled out a bit and got back into the swing of things back home, and started working again. (I have this vague plan of coming back home to work for 5-7 months of the year to earn what I need to keep up with things and to spend the rest of the year meeting new people, learning about different cultures and have meaningful experiences, and this will be my third year trying this out) Things have started well, I’ve got work up until December this year (more than I bargained for but I think I’ve got some expensive bills to pay this year =/), and the first 2 months I’m in Bristol with a good friend! Score! A fixed place to stay, a new city to explore and discover, lots and lots of climbing nearby, and a whole load of psyched, active people who inspire me to get out and do stuff!

Bearing in mind this is only my second week here I’m aiming to keep a schedule of climbing 3 times a week indoors (I know I know, but I’m considering it as training, and I’m actually finding it pretty fun! :o) with running in between. So far so good, though I don’t seem to have enough time in the day to do all this and stretch/yoga, which is important to me after the back problems I suffered last year. Why is this? My only conclusion is (other than cutting down on the 6 hrs sleep I get) that I’m working too much. And I think I am.

Now before you start telling me to shut up and hating me for only working half the year, let me explain. I think of the reasons why I’m working until December this year and without going into them – they suck. They’re not conducive to my happiness, and although they probably do contribute a value to my financial freedom, they….well they just feel like a big fat drag on my life. Thing is, I’m stuck with it (past mistakes). I have to deal with it. But I’m tired of deferring my immediate happiness for the sake of longer-term goals and commitments. I want to be the giraffe, who makes decisions that provide immediate benefits to it’s life. [In case you don’t get that reference, read this: The Evolution of anxiety] I want to live in an Immediate Return Environment – back to the days of vanbagging or backpacking and waking up and doing what I really want to do with my day rather than forcing my groggy eyes open, stuffing granola down my mouth before I’m even really hungry and jumping in the car to head off to work. Because if you read that link, you’ll understand that going to work is a Delayed Return Environment – the work we do that day is rewarded in a few weeks by your wages, which is useful for buying that bigger house, newer car, going to that new juicier burger restaurant, but it does not benefit you right at that moment.

And maybe that’s why I’m happier when I’m travelling or living in a van. Every day I wake up when I want to (still usually pretty damn early), and do what I want to (most of the time). There’s less stress, less anxiety about the future and what am I going to do in retirement, and more focus on what will make me happy today – Veg fried momos, a 2 egg omelette with lots of ketchup, a snickers bar! The simple things 🙂

Life doesn’t have to be what we have been trained to think it should be, there are other options…step out of the worry box and make yourself happy! 😀

“He who is not courageous enough to take risks, will accomplish nothing in life.” (The late, great Muhammad Ali)

 

The search for freedom

Blog posts come like buses eh!? =p

It’s been a little over a year since I started this blog, and for those still kind enough to read my rants and even offer some constructive feedback I thank you. To be honest I wasn’t really sure why I started writing, or what my goal or purpose was. I realise that many of my friends think all I do is play and travel, so maybe this provided more of an insight into how I make it all work; or if you just think I’m a douche bag (in which case why are you still reading my blog!?) then maybe I can offer a glimpse of a different side of me. In any case, for whatever reason you’re reading, it doesn’t matter. 

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be something; I wanted to be someone. That manifested itself early on to be financially successful, as that seems to be the way society measures a person’s worth. I am someone who has to make their own mistakes and learn things the hard way, of which I am painfully aware of. Even so, it took me a numbers of years striving for financial success to realise that this was not the secret to happiness (who knew!?)

And so the can of metaphorical worms was opened, and my mind is constantly filled with thoughts and questions about my own happiness, my effect on others and my place in the cosmos. Now, instead of money being my primary motivation in life, I value time. Time and experiences. Time to engage in things that make me happy; time to reflect on conversations and ideas and life itself. Freedom for me was financial freedom – to not have to worry about money, which of course is all relative (mo’ money mo’ problems). I am now able to do what I want to do (within reason) and not have to compromise on living life (too much). 

This is a fortunate position to be in and I’d like to think that I don’t boast or brag about my luck, but even further than that I often feel ashamed to admit to others that I have been relatively financially successful. Why is this? Why am I not comfortable with who I am and what I’ve achieved? 

In many ways I feel like it’s a burden, and so in the pursuit of enlightenment and happiness, why is the solution not to give it all up? Money can’t buy happiness and it’s often touted that those with the least are the most generous and happy. Buddha denounced his material possessions. Gandhi attached no value to ‘things’. Would giving up material wealth and my sources of residual income unlock true freedom for me? I long to go travelling – real travelling – where I book a one way ticket somewhere and get lost in the world. Yet I am tied down because I have subconsciously or unknowingly created responsibility barriers to doing this very thing.

I’m sure I’ve probably written about this before but I often have the impression that people think I’m in a ‘phase’ and that I need to get this (extended) sabbatical/gap year/mid-life crisis out of my system before I will revert back to the norm and settle down in a steady job, in a house with two point four children. I am practically shouting (maybe to convince myself) that I do not see this as a temporary time in my life but that I want my life to be like this always. Yet why do I still have a ‘just in case’ plan in my head and in the way I view my assets for if/when I return to integrate back into normal society!? It’s contradictory and crazy isn’t it! Maybe I’m just confused, maybe I’m being idealistic; maybe I’m not. 

“Culture tells us to spend an entire year saving for a week to escape our life. We call it vacation…vacations are meant to be new, they are meant to be fun, but they are not meant to be better than your normal life. Life isn’t about the 50 vacations you’ll take while you’re on this planet. It’s about the 25,000 days between them. Stop creating a life that you need a vacation from. Instead, move to where you want to live, do what you want to do, start what you want to start, and create the life you want today. This isn’t rehearsal people. This is YOUR life.” (Dale Partridge)

The search for answers

A new year, a fresh start. I guess my year actually started at the end of last year with the send of ‘Not To Be Taken Away’ – a highball 6c Boulder problem in Stanage Plantation in the Peak District that I’d first set my eyes on just over two years ago. 

Right up until the last time I’d been there I hadn’t even been able to make the first move (considered the crux). This time I managed it static after a few goes and it was game on – there was no way I was gonna leave that day without the tick. Topping out was a beautifully surprising moment; I’d never been fully confident in my head that I would have been able to do it yet here I was, overlooking the other boulders with groups of people who had held their breath watching me, and who later came up to congratulate me. It felt really special (if a little embarrassing)! 🙂

Let’s rewind back a bit, so I stopped working at the end of October and began to deal with my lower back/hip flexor issues in earnest. I was attending an acupuncturist twice a week and also saw an osteopath in Italy, who had manipulated my jaw and standing alignment among other things. Combined with a lot less time in the van stooping and sitting in the driver’s seat (known to reduce lower back mobility and tighten the hip flexor muscles) plus as much stretching as I could fit in, I got better. A lot better! I would say I’m currently 90% back to normality (whatever that is). I can touch my toes comfortably, I occasionally feel a tenderness on my lower spine (which is probably some residual inflammation), and am waking up without much stiffness. I am making big efforts to keep up this routine of stretching and being more self-aware of pains and niggles that I feel in my body, and to not push myself too much. So far I think it’s working! 🙂

Ok so background filled in, I’d just sent Not To Be Taken Away, then moved on to repeat ‘Crescent Arête’ a highball 5+ that I just love, to finish up with an insight solo attempt of ‘Archangel’ an E3 5b trad route with little gear where it’s needed. The short of it was that I didn’t send it, took maybe a 5m fall onto pads and rolled down the hill with my spotter. Not good. 

I was immediately annoyed I didn’t send it, but it also provoked a lot more questions that I needed to ask myself – Why did I try it in the first place? Was there a need to do it as a solo – why would top roping it not do for me? Is my head in the right space to be doing these things? What am I trying to achieve from climbing?

This is actually on the fly thinking so let’s go through it together. I guess I tried it because I always want to push – just one more route will round off the day perfectly. There’s always more to do, but is it just impatience to do everything that I want to, is it seizing the opportunity when I’m feeling good and conditions are good? Do I need to reign this in for the fear of pushing too far? I’m only just beginning (from this past year of injury) to understand my limitations…food for thought.

Soloing for me is a very special head space – where I can enter the flow state with a total focus on the moment, except that I fell out of flow, doubting myself and worrying about the consequences right before I fell. It also comes to my own standards that I wish to uphold for some reason – a true send for me is to be on the sharp end and top roping and performing the moves is only half of the challenge. I am practicing and drawn to climbing because I enjoy the process of becoming a master of my own mind. I want to be ‘strong’ mentally to deal with adverse events and still be able to keep my cool and execute. Maybe after not being at 100% all year I should have exercised more caution.

Finally, I’ll let you in on a secret. I wanted to be climbing 7b sport by the end of this year. I started the year well, committed to training and bringing focus and direction to my climbing. Obviously that didn’t happen. I am currently in Spain after having sent my first 7a yesterday, yet I feel deflated. It was not the super joyous moment I’d been expecting. It didn’t even feel that hard really. And why do I want to climb 7b or above? I tell myself that it’s because some of the coolest lines are the hardest, and that’s probably true to some extent. Is it because I want the rewards of being a ‘better than most’ climber? Possibly – I feel I relate to Dean Potter and Alex Honnold in that I wish to perfect my art, and I’m not afraid to train and put in more effort than most in the pursuit of trying to be better at something I love. I think too many people are too scared of really applying themselves in work, money, love and life in the fear of failing to succeed. But to fail to try is to fail yourself. I don’t just want to try new things and be a jack of all trades but master of none. I want to know how good I can be. I want to push myself and expand my comfort zone. I want to be more! 🙂

“You have to go to the very edge again and again. That’s how eventually you go beyond.” (Sri Dharma Mittra)

Reflections

 

No, I don’t mean the kind of dreamy, how-did-they-catch-the-water-so-still-and-mirror-(-?)like, kind of reflection. I’m talking about the deep, spiritual (yes, here we go again), inner contemplation of past events – specifically this past two years.

It’s been a journey (which hasn’t finished of course, I’m not writing from beyond the grave) into a different side of life. A step outside of the box, into another box where priorities have been turned upside down. Where I’m much more acutely aware of the direction I’m heading, and am much more relaxed and confident in my reasoning and motives behind it. I actually understand why I desire these things, these explorations out of my comfort zone and into the world of curiosity, wonderment, fear (pure terror actually) and self-discovery. These past two years has been about getting to know me better – mentally, emotionally, physically.

I’ve always been a thinker, but I used to think about ideas, plans, goals, ambitions. I still think about those things, but now I also think about why – why do I have this idea, plan, goal, ambition. Because the instigator is now an important factor. Do I seek to achieve this goal for the right reasons? Is it because my heart is asking me for it or is it more to feed my ego (ha)…Are my ambitions for vanity or for genuine pleasure…

Think we can call this one vanity

My body has not been in the best of shape this year, no doubt the years of neglect and abuse I’ve thrown at it catching up on me. It’s taught me a lot of lessons, and has raised my self-awareness. I used to idolise characters like Rambo (I know I know), where pain was just a sensation to be blocked out. To grow to be tougher and that it’s all in the head. A fair amount is mental, but yoga has taught me to listen to your body more – that twingy feeling in your finger means you should probably rest it; that soreness in your back might benefit from some stretching. It’s not actually admitting weakness – it’s being smart and working with your body rather than against it (or maybe I’m just getting old). I just wish I’d listened sooner…

Overall this journey has matured me like a good wine (which I now prefer over a beer!), I’ve probably discovered more depth to my thoughts and ideas (who knew), and learnt to be more thankful and humble in life. Of course, I do slip up and am prone to making mistakes, but if I do feel free to knock me right back into reality!

 

I hope everyone has had a great year and no matter whether it was good or bad, I hope we all found the positives and grew as people. I look forward to a new year and to new experiences, new friends, new ideas and thoughts. Namasté – my soul honours your soul 🙂